Tag Archives: Humor

9 People you meet on a flight to Las Vegas

Last week, I flew to Las Vegas for work. I wasn’t paying that much attention to the people around me as I waited to board my flight, with my head down in my laptop to prep for my trip, but then, there was a fuel leak. And a two-hour delay. In a very small airport.

Let me tell you, after two-hours with the same group of 200-ish people, all crammed into a semi-small-ish room, knowing that you still have to get on the plane and fly with them (you know, sometime after they figure out why there is JET FUEL POURING OUT OF YOUR RIDE), you start to judge them. Harshly. (They were likely judging me too. And, that’s fine with me. All is fair in love and flight delays.)

9 People you meet on a flight to Las Vegas

1. The one who is most likely a “dancer”
Girl, guess who you’re fooling? Nobody.

2. The ones on a guys’ trip
There are two of them. Trying so hard to look as heterosexual as possible. Because in actuality, they’re on a date. Even if they’re going to Vegas to pick up women. They’re on a date. And they really, really, REALLY don’t want it to look that way.

3. The ones on a girls’ trip
There are matching capri yoga pants and ponytails and by the time they leave the airport bar after the flight delay, there’s a local shortage of skinny margaritas. There are selfies. And mentions of husbands who will likely not feed the children while they’re gone. And more margaritas.

4. The ones who are ready to hit the pool
He’s wearing swim trunks with his sneakers. She’s wearing her bikini and a cover-up (I have the same one, from Target). They’re going straight from the airport to the pool when they hit the ground. And, from the smell of them, they took those sunscreen application suggestions very seriously.

5. The ones who golf
They didn’t bat an eye when the airline charged them $75 each to check their precious golf bags. They are wearing golf gear, head-to-toe. Lots of breathable fabrics and polo shirts. And, they have a limo picking them up at the airport.

6. The ones who are drunk before we even board
You’re praying that they aren’t sitting behind you on the plane. And, they are. They’re teasing the flight attendants. They DIYing their in-flight cocktails with extra splashes from a bottle of something from their carry-ons. And, after a two-hour delay in the terminal bar, they end up passing out 10-seconds after the plane finally takes off. Thank goodness.

7. The ones with kids
Apparently, Las Vegas is more family-friendly than ever. Apparently, this news doesn’t make parents less bitter about having their kids tagging along.

8. The ones who left the kids at home
They’re pretending to be ready to party, but they’re checking their texts obsessively and they’re the last ones to turn off their cell before taking off, with endless “I love you!”s and “I promise to FaceTime every night!”s. Then, they order doubles from the drink cart and get shitfaced.

9. The ones who are going to gamble
They don’t have any luggage. Maybe a fanny pack. Or, a card holder/wallet that hangs around their neck for convenience. They have their favorite slot machine at the Las Vegas airport and they refuse to tell the guy sitting next to them which one it is. Because they come to Vegas every year and this year, that machine is going to make them rich.

Next up… 9 People you meet on the way home from Las Vegas. (Spoiler: Same people. All passed out.)

14 Signs that you’re too old to be watching the VMAs

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1. You’re insulted at their use of Baby Got Back.

2. You’re relieved when Snoop Dogg and Gwen Stefani come on stage. Finally someone you recognize. (They’re both over 40, FYI. Let’s sit on that for a moment, shall we?)

3. You get the irony in Katy Perry’s dress.

4. You’re surprised when the host walks out and it’s not Chris Rock.

5. You remember 1989, the year Taylor Swift was born. You were watching MTV then, too, but it was still music videos. Of Madonna. Singing Like a Prayer.

6. You still think Jim Carrey is funny.

7. You’re certain that Iggy Azalea is Paris Hilton’s daughter.

8. Kanye West is the only name you recognize in the Hip Hop nominees.

9. You’re wondering where Britney is.

10. You’re wondering where you can get the dress that Lorde’s mother is wearing.

11. You’re impressed with the use of pallets behind 5 Seconds of Summer. Then you find a picture of it online and pin it to your “DIY Pallet Ideas” board on Pinterest.

12. Maroon 5 is the highlight of your night.

13. You know that Beyonce is going to have to call in the extra nannies tomorrow for keeping Blue Ivy up that late.

14. You’ve been folding laundry this entire time.

photo via MTV.

10 Things I said to my kids at Trader Joe’s yesterday

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Ugh. Trader Joe’s. I love you and hate you, all at once.

I mean, I certainly love you more when I don’t have all three kids with me. There just isn’t enough room in those teeny-tiny aisles, is there? Especially with three little ones trailing behind me, like little ducklings.

I ran into more than one person I know at Trader Joe’s yesterday and as I left, I was hoping that they didn’t actually witness me shopping, because it’s not pretty. And, I say some weird stuff as I shop… to my kids. Obviously.

Here’s a little sampling. Please tell me you’ve said these things, or something equally as odd, to your kids when you were grocery shopping. Please, oh, please.

10 Things I said to my kids at Trader Joe’s yesterday

1. Don’t throw your flip-flops.

2. Did you just lick that bread?

3. There’s the yeti!

4. Stop touching that. Stop touching that. Stop touching that. (Repeat, until we leave.)

5. No, I’m not buying you your own bottle of salt to keep in your room.

6. Don’t spit that out.

7. Watch for Canadians. They’re not watching for you.

8. Did you just lick that bag of chips?

9. Stop pretending you’re a bunny.

10. Sure, you can have some coffee. Get one for mommy while you’re over there.

Dish it.
What crazy things do you find yourself saying as you shop with your kids?

bellingFAM Approved: Skip Hop Baby’s First Slot Machine

31 Things I found in my car this weekend

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I finally bit the bullet and cleaned the inside of my car over the weekend. To say that it was a disaster would be a huge understatement, because yikes. It wasn’t just messy. It was dirty in there. Filthy, really. And full of stuff. The state of my car is always a reflection of how busy I am. Messy car, busy week. Same goes with clean underwear at home. If nobody has clean underwear, it’s been a hell of a week at our house.

Here are 31 things I found in my car this weekend. So terribly random. I’m cringing. Please tell me that you have weird things in you car too…

1. A roll of black craft paper.
2. A roll of brown craft paper.
3. A bag of toys from Everett’s sharing day at school.
4. A Stella and Dot bracelet. This one, to be exact.
5. A felt flower hair clip from Anthropologie.
6. A roll of red and white butchers string. I get it on Amazon to use on gift wrap. It lasts forever. Especially if you leave it in the car.
7.Three empty Starbucks cups.
8.A blue water bottle.
9. A stainless steel growler. The one thing in the car that is Josh’s.
10.An entire bag of miscellaneous trash. Trust me, you don’t want to know the details.
11. A pair of pink sunglasses. Everett’s, of course.
12. An orange poof.
13. An orange scrunchie. Why do these still exist?
14. A Missoni umbrella. Real stuff, AKA not from Target.
15. Two rain jackets. One Meg’s, one mine.
16. A shirt that’s way too small for Everett.
17. Janie’s sweatshirt.
18. My favorite clogs.
19. A pink Nalgene sippy cup.
20. A blue Nagene sippy cup.
21. Everett’s backpack.
22. Janie’s bracelet.
23. Janie’s turtle ring.
24. Janie’s earphone extension cord. (are you seeing a trend here?)
25. A little container with graham cracker kitty cookie crumbs.
26. A roll of hot pink Washi tape.
27. That missing pirate sock that I’ve been searching high-and-low for.
28. Paint samples.
29. Everett’s preschool book order.
30. A Trader Joe’s reusable bag, that I always, always, always forget in the car when I shop.
31. Ev’s down jacket.

63 Things you were already thinking about the Oscars

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Because really, is there any better way to kick off a new blog than with an awards show recap?

63 Things you were already thinking about the Oscars

Is there anyone who just hates Ellen? I doubt it.
Good first outfit. A little Willy Wonka-esque, but good.
That lady doesn’t look 84. More like 83, for sure.
Liza looks fantastic.
John Travolta, on the other hand…
I fell asleep to a Meryl Streep movie on Friday night.
So, Jennifer and Bradley are really a couple? I can never remember.
I’ve missed Kate Hudson.
Jared Leto is OBVIOUSLY the prettiest.
Is that his mom? She’s super pretty. Good hair genes.
“Speaking of sex at the rodeo…”
Oh, that racists joke is going to be a HuffPo article tomorrow.
That dress makes Anne look thick.
This is Serious Anne tonight. Serious, thick Anne.
Okay, now to the movies. I don’t think I’ve seen any. Except Frozen.
Poor Jonah Hill has to wear ugly clothes in every single movie he does.
Jared Leto — and his perfect Balayage — win it.
How many chicks are going to their stylist tomorrow and saying “Give me Jared Leto’s hair.”
Look how clean he is.
Who is that guy kissing his mother?
Oh, his brother. He’s handsome. Wow. Good genes, Leto family. No wonder everyone is sleeping with him. (cough. taylor swift. cough.)
This is the longest, un-cut-off speech on the Oscars, ever.
Where has Jim Carrey been? I could use a good Jim Carrey movie.
I just spotted some major slow-clapping.
I want to be Kerry Washington. In that dress. And that lipstick.
I can’t condone Pharrell’s hat choice. State Patrol chic?
Such a lovely speech from the hair and makeup ladies of Dallas Buyers Club. Really lovely.
And, cue the Star Wars music. I bet that gets annoying.
Harrison Ford has aged a bit lately, yes? Is he about to fall asleep on the stage?
I fully confess to watching Titanic this week and falling head-over-heels with Leo.
No comment regarding Kim Novak. No comment at all.
I love when they say, “Zhank you to zee Academee.” The best.
Lupita’s dress is blue? So terribly pretty.
What happened to his son? Googling that.
Let’s all age as nicely as Sally Field, okay?
They’re totally hooking up tonight. Emma Watson and Jason Somethingoranother.
Excuse me while I take a moment for Zac Efron. (who is going to see his new movie with me?)
I keep thinking ET is going to fly across that moon while these people are singing.
Kate Hudson as best dressed for the night. Right?
That brown velour suit is making me want to cry.
Whoopi is wearing the dress that Julia Roberts wore to the Golden Globes.
Do you think it’s awkward when everyone else stands up and you just don’t feel like it?
// Fast forward. Because I’m bored. //
This selfie moment is priceless.
Every blond actress is wearing white tonight. There must have been a memo.
That headband is giving her a headache. I know it.
What a lovely, graceful speech she gave.
Lupita gets the award for the best award acceptance.
That pizza place is having the best week ever.
And, that pizza looks good.
The pizza guy is pretty cute. You know he’s an “actor.”
Did you see Bill Murray pull away from Amy Adams? Diss.
Let’s be honest. Pitch Perfect is my favorite movie.
But, pretty sure Anna Kendrick doesn’t have a stylist yet.
Worst dressed of the night: Jennifer Garner.
If you’re a 60-something actress, you’re looking better than ever.
Not you, Goldie Hawn.
John Travolta. Oy. You’ve got to be kidding.
Nice save, Ellen.
Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel were a good match-up.
I bet they’ve been hot-tubbing together once or twice.
And… My TiVo cut off the rest of the show.